Homeland Security Secretary [and puppy-killing goat assassin] Kristi Noem has found the perfect angel to back her starring vehicles – the taxpayers of America.

My TV market now features Noem standing in front of six U.S. flags with a stern look on her immobile face and proclaiming, “If you are a criminal alien thinking about entering America illegally, don’t even think about it. If you come here and break our laws, we will hunt you down.”

She has a history of doing this.

While running for the Republican nomination for president – and then vice president after the guy wearing orange grease paint proved a better unreality TV star – Noem first milked federal funds and then South Dakota state funds which, as governor she controlled, to promote her name, image and likeness.

With $5 million in federal money designated for COVID economic relief for her state’s businesses, Noem created a Freedom Works Her ad campaign featuring her in the costumes of a plumber, house builder, welder and dental assistant under the pretext that she was trying to attract business to her state.

Then, according to South Dakota Searchlight, she ran her self-promotional costs up to $9 million by using funds from a state employer tax fund pot.

Noem used her South Dakota campaign as any other performer would, honing her impersonations out of town to get ready for the national stage. Evidently, she really relished dressing up in costumes and play-acting.

Since taking office, Noem – in appropriate costumes – has starred piloting a U.S. Coast Guard vessel, taking part in a Coast Guard firefighting drill and, to much notoriety, in an ICE cap and bulletproof vest on a routine raid.

This earned her the nickname of “ICE Barbie,” a reference to that iconic doll’s vast wardrobe to match her occupation of the day.

[But in fairness to Barbie, the plastic face of America’s 20th century Venus has more mobility than Noem’s.]

She later wore her cowgirl costume to the southern border, where Daily Mail dubbed her a “Border Patrol Cowboy.”

Amethyst Martinez of Daily Beast consolidated Noem’s various nicknames into “Cosplay Kristi,” the word “cosplay” being a portmanteau of “costume” and “play.”

Martinez noted that Noem’s ventures into others’ real lives include “full makeup [and] curled up hair,” which is longer than Amanda Seyfried’s lush locks.

Social media critics were even less kind, according to Daily Mail.

• “Kristi Noem hasn’t met a hat she won’t appropriate.”

• “This whole administration is a fake reality TV show.”

• “Kristi Noem and her cosplay outfits are completely ridiculous. The hair, Botox, fake eyelashes and cowboy hat don’t make her effective.”

I am no judge of the “work” a person gets done on his/her face. My sister can spot it within seconds. But I do know that photos of Kristi Noem from a dozen or so years ago bear only a slight resemblance to her today.

Youngsters often go through radical facial reorganizations in their teens. [Noses often grow.] It seldom happens naturally in one’s early 40s.

Maybe Noem’s costuming and cosmetics are attempts to distract from her 53 years. I mean, Gloria Swanson was only 51 when she played a washed-up movie queen in Sunset Boulevard in 1950, and Bette Davis was a mere 42 that same year as a fading star in All About Eve. Of course, today we have 50-year-olds still masquerading as ingénues or experienced, very desirable women.

Now, sturdy MAGAts who might take umbrage at an assessment of Noem’s appearance must realize that a discussion of performance politics – which lies at the heart of Trump’s constant campaigning – must include all aspects of the acts and actors in the performance.

And Noem’s dialogue has been less than stellar as well.

In January, she visited the famous Haskell Library which straddles the U.S./Canadian border between Derby, VT, and Stanstead, QC – and preceded one, two, three times to cross into Canada and announce, “The 51st State.”

Deborah Bishop, library’s executive director, was appalled by Noem’s actions:

“I couldn’t believe she said it,” Bishop told CTV. “We welcomed her with courtesy and respect, and I think she should have reacted in the same way. She was in Canada. I mean, when you step over that line, you are technically in Canada. So maybe be respectful towards the people in the room who are Canadian.”

Well, we know that respecting others is too much to expect from an administration led by a convicted felon.

Noem’s [literal] missteps were followed in late March when she reacted to the justified criticism of her poor performance by imposing barriers to limit Canadians’ entrance through the front door [American side] of the library.

I guess the International Peace Garden straddling North Dakota and Manitoba is now in the crosshairs with new barriers being planned to stop the cross-nation hiking at the Waterton-Glacier International Peace Park in Montana and Alberta. [I probably shouldn’t mention these parks since our geographically challenged Whiner-in-Chief likely doesn’t even know they exist.]

And while those Trump supporters in the Carolinas who managed to avoid the destructiveness of Hurricane Helene’s flooding were dealing with out-of-control wildfires, Noem announced at a March televised cabinet meeting, “we’re going to eliminate FEMA.” The Federal Emergency Management Agency is the only governmental entity with the resources to tackle large-scale disasters.

Keep your eyes peeled on the small screen. Noem just staged another video scenario in front of jailed inmates at a maximum-security prison in El Salvador. [Well, she does have that history of flying around at taxpayers’ expense.]

Kristi Noem’s primary prerogative is to push her public presence – regardless of what she has to say. But, please, Mr. DeMille, no close-ups.