BY KAREN WEBB

Now, if I needed to make a choice of who I would like running my life, I would probably choose someone I at least had an opportunity to vote for or against. We don’t have open primaries in Oklahoma so I didn’t have to decide which domineering Daddy on the right to vote for or against with regards to Huckabee, Santorum or any of those other ministers, lay or ordained, or whatever.

They all think “the least of these” has something to do with the actual number and not the condition of the counted. You know that put-upon 1% or 10% of whiney millionaire/billionaire types who will never, ever have enough and feel that the rest of us are depriving them in some way.

Is it possible Jesus could come back as a Koch? There are as many biblical interpreters as there are biblical believers.

There are only two people in Washington, DC representing me who I voted for. Only three of the rest of them were even on my ballot in either a primary or general election. I was not on the pulpit committee – as we called them in the Southern Baptist Convention – who chose former preacher and Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee or any of the other sanctimonious/self-righteous candidates to be my media/huckster pastor.

I actually kind of like the new pope, but he doesn’t get to tell me what kind of birth control I could have, if I were young enough to need any.

I happen to like the guy who owns the company where I work, but I don’t think I would like for him to decide what kind of birth control I could get on my company health plan. We could discuss the cost of such a plan to me or the company, but the owner’s freedom of religion is never supposed to supercede my freedom of religion.

I am old enough to remember how overjoyed most company owners were when the pill came out – they could hire a few more women because maybe it was less likely they would need as many temps to cover pregnancy leaves. Don’t you long for the days when job interviews ended with, we are sorry, but you could get married and get pregnant so we can’t use you unless you promise not to get pregnant for so many years, usually five? Yes, that did happen.

I can’t figure why husbands are not more upset about the push to deny health care coverage for birth control. I don’t know why Republican husbands do not mind Huckster Huckabee telling their wives to get control of their libidos. I think Huckster Huckabee is suggesting that frisky wives be a lot less submissive to their own husbands or maybe he thinks husbands should be less frisky and say no to their slutty wives. Huckster Huckabee is the husband to the masses.

Why do Huckster Huckabee and his submissive Mrs. have only four children, if they don’t believe in birth control? I have known a lot of preachers and most of them, in the churches I attended, had some form of health care coverage, but very few companies covered birth control pills if they were used for that slutty kind of stuff.

As I recall, after they had decided not to take a chance that God might bless them with another mouth to feed that they couldn’t afford, preacher-man usually got a vasectomy which was covered or submissive Mrs. had her tubes tied, which may or may not have been covered.

They didn’t cover her slutty needs, but even if he couldn’t accomplish the slutty stuff they covered Viagra.

Would I prefer Uncle Sugar helping me limit the number of children I want by having insurance cover my birth control needs or do I prefer people I didn’t vote for telling me to hold an aspirin between my knees and “just say no” to an abusive husband or boyfriend or a preacher telling me one minute to submit and in the next minute to deny because the pastor says I am not submitting for procreation?

I am almost 68 years old and remember people dying from unsafe abortions and I remember a girl I taught at 12, shooting herself in the head at 20 because she was eight months pregnant – before Roe v. Wade – with her third baby because she was submissive to her abusive husband who didn’t support her or the children.

I remember being told in sermon after sermon that if I had sex with that guy who told me he would love you forever, if I proved my love by having sex with him, that I had to marry him or I would be unworthy of anyone else. They may have forced him to marry me, if I were pregnant.

I also remember girls who just suddenly disappeared from church and school and were sent to homes for unwed mothers run by people like Rev. Lester Roloff, the guy who married my parents. Where the girls were taken from church to church to show everyone the wages of their sin and testify. I remember being told about one of them who decided one Sunday to tell the congregation that she hoped someday their sins would be wrapped around their waists for the world to see and then maybe they would have some compassion. I do not recall any of the fathers of these babies testifying to anything, except the guys in the locker room.

And then, in most cases, the girls were told they must give up their baby for the good of everyone, not the least of which were fine Christian couples who had their names on waiting lists and who prayed every night for some girl to commit fornication or be raped and get pregnant so they could have her baby. It was God’s way or will.

Even today, preachers/politicians will say that even if you become pregnant after being beaten within an inch of your life, threatened with a gun and having what they call God’s most precious gift taken from you, that it is God’s will – even if the one doing the beating, threatening and taking is the man God preordained to be your father, your uncle, your cousin, your brother, your abusive husband or a total stranger.

Don’t get into the distinction between God’s absolute and permissive will. He is the opposite of the GOP – he permits anything and everything, tornadoes, wars, epidemics, i.e. … everything.

Huckster Huckabee, Sanctimonious Santorum, Annoying Akin or any of the others who like to force their absolute will on women, who have no biblical commandment to submit to, can just take this to the bank: I would choose Uncle Sugar who would give me aid whether or not I have been a slutty or obedient girl without the self-righteous diatribe.

Huckster Huckabee, tell it to someone who cares what you say. If I can’t vote you into or out of office or my life, then “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”

You non-Okies have no idea what the GOP primary slate of candidates is going to look like for the seat of Our Own OBGYN/Senator/Minister/Judge and Jury Coburn. It looks like the cast list for Sanctimonious Corporate Central.

– Karen Webb lives in Moore, OK and is a frequent contributor to The Oklahoma Observer