To Comfort The Afflicted
And Afflict The Comfortable

To Comfort The Afflicted And Afflict The Comfortable

Thursday, August 18, 2022


If The Feeding Of The 5,000 Had Involved The Oklahoma GOP …


As evening approached, the disciples came to Jesus and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”

Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”

“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” the Oklahoma GOP disciples answered. “And it would create dependency on our handouts. These people are just like animals – they should fend for themselves. It’s their own fault they didn’t bring food.”

“Bring them here to me,” Jesus said.

“But Jesus,” yelled the Oklahoma GOP disciples, “we have not drug tested any of them. They are probably hungry because they’re drug addicts who blew all their fish and loaf money on marijuana and liquor.

“If we feed them, we are just supporting their filthy habits,” railed the disciples, as they sipped whiskey and energy drinks, smoked cigars, and took their evening doses of anti-depressants, Viagra, and legally-prescribed opiate painkillers.

And Jesus directed the hungry people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves.

“Jesus, you must not feed them!” said the chief GOP disciple, Randy, son of Brogdon. “We have heard from the talking Fox in the village that many of the hungry people are illegal Samaritan immigrants. All they do is take our jobs, steal chariots, and form criminal street gangs, and our gutless governor, Pontius Hussein Pilate, refuses to defend our borders. We need to demand their papers, check their immigration status, then form a militia to deport the illegals.”

“That’s right!” said the other Oklahoma GOP disciples. “We have to handle it ourselves. Jerusalem is out of touch!”

Then Jesus gave the loaves and fish to the disciples, and asked them once again to feed the hungry people.

“But Jesus,” said Brogdon, “do you have any idea how much we are spending on entitlement programs? And don’t get me started on all that healing the sick free of charge crap when they’re the ones who wouldn’t get off their asses and pay for health insurance themselves!”

The other Oklahoma GOP disciples all agreed, and began to rebuke Jesus: “That’s right. Your ridiculous JehovahCare program is going to stifle competition and destroy the free market health care system!”

“In my day, miracles were a hand-up, not a handout!” yelled one disciple, rebuking Jesus. “And I may be pro-life, but you and I both know that if Lazarus didn’t want to be dead, than he shouldn’t have gotten himself dead! That deferred-action death amnesty thing you pulled was just ridiculous!”

“Yeah, the real problem is the demise of personal responsibility and traditional family values!” yelled another. “You and your liberal media outlets – John, Mark, Matthew, and Luke – are trying to force your liberal views and make everybody be politically correct.”

“Yeah, what is this ‘love thy neighbor as yourself’ crap I heard the other day?” asked Brogdon. “Sounds like socialism and the free-love movement had a baby!”

Jesus once more asked the Oklahoma GOP disciples to distribute the loaves and fishes to the people, but the disciples could not hear. They had taken the bread and fishes for themselves and turned away from Jesus to go build gated communities to keep the hungry people out, taking with them some of the illegal Samaritan immigrants to do all the construction and landscaping work.

The disciples then used political leverage in the local villages to get tax breaks and government subsidies to pay for their new housing developments.

As the Oklahoma GOP disciples settled into their new custom executive homes in Galilee Greens and Capernaum Commons, they all ate loaves and fish and were satisfied, then sold the remainder and put the money into derivatives. And then the disciples picked up the basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over and threw them in a landfill.

The number of hungry people who did not eat was about 5,000 men, besides women and children, to which the Oklahoma GOP disciples said, “F— ‘em.”

The author, an Oklahoma City Republican, wishes to remain anonymous

Arnold Hamilton
Arnold Hamilton
Arnold Hamilton became editor of The Observer in September 2006. Previously, he served nearly two decades as the Dallas Morning News’ Oklahoma Bureau chief. He also covered government and politics for the San Jose Mercury News, the Dallas Times Herald, the Tulsa Tribune and the Oklahoma Journal.