To Comfort The Afflicted
And Afflict The Comfortable

To Comfort The Afflicted And Afflict The Comfortable

Saturday, July 2, 2022


Markwayne’s ‘Subway Shakes’


U.S. Rep. Markwayne Mullin has compared the gun slaughter of children in schools to his fear of riding on the District of Columbia subway system.

I’m not making that up. It’s what this genius said last week on a radio show to explain why people fear guns and kids fear guns because they don’t understand guns – just as he doesn’t comprehend the complexities of subways because he got stuck on one … once.

Oh, also according to him, violent videos are making our youngsters run out, buy AR-15s and shoot up public places but somehow children in other civilized countries seem to handle them OK.

Maybe they experience a few nightmares following a night of consuming multiple showings of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in Tokyo, Paris or London but not in Buffalo or Uvalde where our teenage, homegrown terrorists dismember fourth graders instead with their beloved murder weapon of choice.

By the way, as recently as 2017, there were only 300,000 of this particular kind of killing machine in general circulation in America. Today, only five years later, it is 20 million.

Mullin can’t put these facts together but wants to be your next United States senator. Does he not know he’ll have to ride on little subway cars that shuttle senators from their offices to the Senate chamber? What if it gets stuck somewhere, like between the Dirksen and Longworth Buildings, and gun freak MW freaks out, needs mental health treatment and misses important votes like naming post offices or something else that day in the most exclusive club in the world.

Will he handle the stress, the unknowing, the fear or being on that shuttle with, say, maybe Ted Cruz or Rand Paul or even Sen. Marsha Blackburn, blonde bombshell of Tennessee? What if Cruz and/or Paul start talking gibberish and won’t stop or Marsha begins to sob about having to listen to them and they won’t let her talk because she is a woman and should just be seen, and coveted, but not heard.

To smart men like Cruz and Paul, men the talking and the women folk do the dishes.

From what I can tell, our former plumber, now congressman and future senator will be a perfect fit. He’s not afraid of hundreds of MAGA types showing lawmakers what the Second Amendment really means to them; he’s not afraid to live in a country with 400 million guns shared by only 330 million humans … but the DC underground system? Just terrifying.

Knowing that, I bet he wouldn’t even crawl under a house or go in a basement when he was a plumber. Like he said on the radio, everybody has little idiosyncrasies and foibles. Too bad we didn’t know that about the two 18-year-olds who killed 31 of our fellow Americans over the last 10 days.

And sadder still, there’s no cure for Markwayne’s “subway shakes” but there is for the murder of masses by semi-machine guns, but he doesn’t know that. Word is as a journeyman plumber-to-be he got his head stuck in a toilet once so now he just prefers to always just keep it up his ass.

It’s worked so far with the voters in his congressional district and sophisticated polling data indicates he’s the frontrunner in the statewide race to replace Sen. James Mountain Inhofe.

Speaking of having one’s head up one’s ass, have you heard the report about when Inhofe was flying upside down on purpose and crashed on a highway instead of a runway? That posture while flying allegedly saved his life but left him with both a red face and red ass.

I figured most of you didn’t know that, but in keeping with my motto for life – “Often wrong but never in doubt” – I thought I should keep you informed.

You’re welcome.

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Cal Hobson
Cal Hobson
Cal Hobson, a Lexington Democrat, served in the Oklahoma Legislature from 1978-2006, including one term as Senate President Pro Tempore.