BY RICHARD L. FRICKER
Surprisingly, many Americans are unaware May is “Zombie Appreciation Month.”
Since many right-wing, tea bag, birther, deather, ObamaCarther and anti-collective barginingthers follow lobbyists dollars like a crowd from the Night of the Living Dead, it’s a great time to provide the recognition they deserve.
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker should be this year’s Parade Marshal, having lead the way to abolish collective barging rights in his state. Gov. Walker could lead sibling legislative leaders Scott and Jeff Fitzgerald ahead of their legislative colleagues, arms extended with limp wrists and fingers pointed earthward, down the streets of Madison to the office of Koch Industries.
Once in the Masters lair they need only say, “Yes Master” or “I will obey” to be showered with accolades. The Zombie undead life can be a good life, if you have the right Master.
A celebratory sheet cake topped with statues of Oklahoma Sens. Jim Inhofe and Tom Coburn would be appropriate. Dressed in tuxedos, the pair could hold hands while staring blankly into space awaiting their next mission from “Family” leader Tim Coe.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia could parade down the streets of Washington with his pet zombie Clarence. Clarence, faithful to his master, could use his zombie powers to sniff out contributors in need of right wing campaigns deserving of anonymous donations.
Rep. Darrell Issa, R-CA, is a most noteworthy congressional zombie. As chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform he has threatened the administration with any number of investigations anytime the GOP is asked about donation money.
As a true zombie he indeed follows the money, and does what he’s told.
Rep. Issa’s efforts might be put to better use investigating Elvis sightings, why there are 52 weeks in a year and 52 cards in a deck, what really happens when you play the White Album backwards. And, the ultimate inquiry, why is there always an unpaired sock left in the dryer.
These inquiries should keep Rep. Issa, R-Zombie, busy beyond November 2012 with little harm to the republic. The republic meanwhile can contemplate just what to do about zombie infestation.
Now, on the downside of May, would be a good time to let local legislative zombies know just how much voters appreciate what they have done in their particular states. It might even be considered an appreciative gesture to designate a particular legislator or politico as an “Outstanding Zombie.”
It is important to appreciate the walking brain and morally dead. But, from afar, never get too close.
– Richard L. Fricker lives in Tulsa, OK and is a regular contributor to The Oklahoma Observer, providing both essay and video commentary [see Observer home page]. His latest book, Martian Llama Racing Explained, is available at http://www.richardfricker.com.
Bravo sir, bravo!!
Another good article from Richard.
You are Oklahoma’s Jonathon Swift. I always enjoy reading what you have to say.
I came across this site searching for something else. Red state liberals are more sad than typical leftists. All the Left seems to have missed the memo or lived in a collective state of denial since the collapse of the Berlin Wall and, by unavoidable sequitor, the end of its credibility. Leftism is about conformism. If conservatives have a fault, it’s that they’re not impressionable enough. The Left, on the other hand, jumps to any new tune for the sake of being trendy and iconoclastic. This article is long on name-calling insults, short on substance. Western world Conservatives hold to long-established principles of curbed state power and healthy skepticism for imposed edicts like global warming, collectivism-is-superior tripe.
Calling names is more understandable from privileged elites who think they’re more worthy of controlling proletariat lives than commoners are of controlling commoners’ own lives. Self-determination is anathema to the Left. But conforming your philosophy to what mass media tell you it ought ti be is frightening an fortunately outside of WASP tradition.
The Nazis were socialists in name and policy: no private property protections as demonstrated by sans-due process seizures of Jewish property; no free speech (same as with the hate crimes and hate speech initiatives of today’s Left).
Limiting state power has never led to atrocities. It’s your side that claims exclusive ownership to big gov holocausts, Stalinist purges, Communist famines in the Ukraine and Ethiopia, social justice in the PRK.
Bad accents in fly-over land waxing self-importance is hard to take seriously, esp when the method for acceptance-from-elites that no one accepts as superior except you is self-deprecating entreaty for acceptance.
Tea baggers? That’s original and a terrific example of parroting what you’re told and avoiding dialog and substance. Pyongyang bears the fruits of your policies. enjoy trying to be good enough.
-Columbia 2005