BY RICHARD L. FRICKER
Surprisingly, many Americans are unaware May is “Zombie Appreciation Month.”
Since many right-wing, tea bag, birther, deather, ObamaCarther and anti-collective barginingthers follow lobbyists dollars like a crowd from the Night of the Living Dead, it’s a great time to provide the recognition they deserve.
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker should be this year’s Parade Marshal, having lead the way to abolish collective barging rights in his state. Gov. Walker could lead sibling legislative leaders Scott and Jeff Fitzgerald ahead of their legislative colleagues, arms extended with limp wrists and fingers pointed earthward, down the streets of Madison to the office of Koch Industries.
Once in the Masters lair they need only say, “Yes Master” or “I will obey” to be showered with accolades. The Zombie undead life can be a good life, if you have the right Master.
A celebratory sheet cake topped with statues of Oklahoma Sens. Jim Inhofe and Tom Coburn would be appropriate. Dressed in tuxedos, the pair could hold hands while staring blankly into space awaiting their next mission from “Family” leader Tim Coe.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia could parade down the streets of Washington with his pet zombie Clarence. Clarence, faithful to his master, could use his zombie powers to sniff out contributors in need of right wing campaigns deserving of anonymous donations.
Rep. Darrell Issa, R-CA, is a most noteworthy congressional zombie. As chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform he has threatened the administration with any number of investigations anytime the GOP is asked about donation money.
As a true zombie he indeed follows the money, and does what he’s told.
Rep. Issa’s efforts might be put to better use investigating Elvis sightings, why there are 52 weeks in a year and 52 cards in a deck, what really happens when you play the White Album backwards. And, the ultimate inquiry, why is there always an unpaired sock left in the dryer.
These inquiries should keep Rep. Issa, R-Zombie, busy beyond November 2012 with little harm to the republic. The republic meanwhile can contemplate just what to do about zombie infestation.
Now, on the downside of May, would be a good time to let local legislative zombies know just how much voters appreciate what they have done in their particular states. It might even be considered an appreciative gesture to designate a particular legislator or politico as an “Outstanding Zombie.”
It is important to appreciate the walking brain and morally dead. But, from afar, never get too close.
– Richard L. Fricker lives in Tulsa, OK and is a regular contributor to The Oklahoma Observer, providing both essay and video commentary [see Observer home page]. His latest book, Martian Llama Racing Explained, is available at http://www.richardfricker.com.